Asprilla, Freddy

I never particularly cared for you. You looked kind of lazy, that’s probably because you’re nearly 7 feet tall and nearly 300 pounds. You are not quick. Doesn’t really matter as you apparently left the team this weekend. Thanks for that.

Henriquez-Roberts, Jordan

You tall, gangly Avatar. Anyone who says you look like an Avatar said it after me. I was first. I kind of like you, but I wish you were better at the game.

Irving, Martavious

I like your shoulders. They are magnificent. Even though you’re not the best player on the court, I like your enthusiasm.

Judge, Wally (Wall-E)

What the fuck is wrong with you?! You were so much better last year. This year, you are horrible. No wonder you never start games. I bet your sucking has to do with your mental breakdown you had earlier this year. What was that about?!

Kelly, Curtis (Douche)

I hate you. You are the least-likeable player on the team, bar none. First it was your inability to be a team player. That’s why you sat the first few games. Then your fucking stunt with Dillard’s. Are you fucking retarded?! Jesus. I find it unfortunate that you’re a halfway good basketball player. Otherwise I wish you would quit the team. It’s like you’re fucking poison. Speaking of poison, although I have no evidence for this at all, I blame you for roping Jacob Pullen into your Dillard’s decision. I think you poisoned his good judgement.

Kruger, Jarrod

Who are you? Have you ever even played? Maybe next year.

McGruder, Rodney

I’m glad you’ll be around for a few more years. You’re a sophomore, you know. Ever since that game at the Sprint Center where you lost a tooth and came back into the game a few minutes later, you have been my favorite player. You have a team-oriented attitude, unlike that prick Kelly. Also, your name is fun to say.

Myles, Juevol (Huevos Rancheros)

You haven’t played all that much this year, but so far, I like your game. Also, you are not Curtis Kelly, so that’s an extra point in your favor.

Ojeleye, Victor

I only know a few things about you. You used to start and now you don’t. Though you get some playing time. Also, you, too, are not Curtis Kelly.

Peterson, Devon

I bet you hang out with Jarrod Kruger, don’t you? I have no idea who you are either.

Potuzak, Alex

You’re the other white guy, right?

Pullen, Jacob (Pool-in)

I liked you so much more when you didn’t hang out with Curtis Kelly. I bet you miss Dennis Clemente. Despite the fact that Dennis used to take approximately 900 3-point shots per game, you weren’t a half bad pair. Rest assured, though, without you, we probably wouldn’t even make the NIT.

Russell, Nick

You’ve done well this year. I think you even started a few games lately. Keep up the good work. Stay away from Curtis Kelly. (See above)

Samuels, Jamar

There’s something about you that I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s like you let that whole “Sixth Man of the Year” shit go to your head or something. You’re no Curtis Kelly, but you have this kind of dickish je ne sais quoi. You’ve been doing better lately, though (See Texas Tech game).

Southwell, Shane

You’re supposed to be this really good freshman, but have you played yet? If so, I don’t remember. I’ll look for you next year.

Spradling, Will (Whitebread)

I like you. I will say I was kind of surprised to see you starting, but hey, I’m not the coach. You seem to do alright, but it seems like you get the ball stolen from you a lot. Also, I’m not trying to be a dick or anything, but seriously: Proactiv, man

Williams, Nino

See Shane Southewell.

Woo!

One, pitcher Zack Greinke was named AL Cy Young Award winner.

Two, the 2012 All-Star Game will be played in Kauffman Stadium.

Via Sporting News.

Via ESPN.