Blah

You can not believe the amount of time and effort your mother went through to get you here. She is stronger than even she believes. It’s beautiful.

I caught your mom rubbing her belly today and smiling.

I love you both more than you know.

I want to tell you about a dream I had a day or so ago.

The setting for the dream was my life as it is now, only a few years in the future. I was married to your mom and I had you.

One day, I was walking across the street and I was hit by a bus and instantly killed.

The next thing I know, I’m in heaven hanging out with God. In my dream, God is, somewhat surprisingly, a woman about my own age. We’re chatting about this and that. I tell a joke. God laughs. Thinks I’m hilarious, as a matter of fact. Probably your normal day in heaven.

After a while, we go sit down by this wall, just to relax. No chairs or anything like that. Imagine there’s a big brick wall and you’re sitting on the ground with your back to it.

As I’m sitting there I start to think of my life back with you guys. While it wasn’t in my control to leave you, the thought of it makes me very sad. I keep thinking about how much I miss you and wish I wasn’t so far away from you. While I’m thinking about this I kind of curl up into a ball and use God’s lap as a pillow. As I’m laying there I begin to cry. This crying escalates into sobbing uncontrollably.

God just sits there with me crying on her lap, never saying anything.

Then I wake up from this dream. I realize that I have actual tears in my eyes. As someone who isn’t really a “crying kind of guy”, I’m surprised by this. What I do know, though, is that the feelings I had in that dream are real. The thought of leaving you brings me incredible sadness. I hope I never have to experience that.

I love you.